You Left The Price Tag On
by OdeToANightingale
Summary: Need a laugh? Have a short attention span? Think Shadowfax is sexy? Then you've come to the right place! [a series of humor ficlets]
1. Sexy

_Disclaimer:_ All characters from _The Lord of the Rings_ belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. I'm just borrowing them so I can stick them in absurd situations.

* * *

 **Sexy**

Grima felt sexy.

He thought he was too sexy for his shirt and stripped it off so he could pose for the _Rohirrim Gone Wild_ magazine. He was hoping to be voted Rohan's Sexiest Man Alive.

Unfortunately the photographers mistook him for a living corpse and submitted his sexy photos to _Necrophiles Monthly._ He was voted Sexiest Man Dead.

"This is an outrage," muttered Grima. "Whoever was voted Sexiest Man Alive shall feel my wrath!"

It was Shadowfax.

"But that's not even a man!"

Shadowfax had, in fact, successfully photoshopped a picture of Legolas' face onto himself. Everyone thought he was a centaur and went wild.

"It's okay, Grima," whispered the orc who had been eyeing him up for the last several weeks. "I still think you're sexy."

Grima threw a shoe at him.


	2. Treehugging

**Treehugging**

Legolas was a treehugger.

Or so his father believed. For Thranduil constantly overheard Legolas going on about how much he loved the forest trees and how gorgeous their leaves were.

"Like a drop of emerald in a pool of beauty," Legolas had sighed that very day.

Thranduil was proud of his son for caring so much about nature.

Until he caught Legolas tenderly embracing a tree with his lips pressed to its bark, and he realized he would never have grandchildren.


	3. Favoritism

_Note: I borrowed a line from Arrested Development. Denethor is like the Lucille Bluth of Minas Tirith._

* * *

 **Favoritism**

"You're my third least favorite child," Denethor informed Faramir after Faramir accidentally broke the family barbecue grill. Denethor had been looking forward to lighting his meat on fire.

Faramir's lower lip began to tremble. "But Dad, you've only got two sons."

"Exactly," said Denethor. "Now go fetch Daddy the matches. We're campfire cooking tonight!"

But Faramir did not fetch his daddy the matches. He went down into the city and bought Denethor the Best Barbecue Grill in All of Gondor.

And made the mistake of leaving the price tag on.

"You're my _fourth_ least favorite child," Denethor informed him.

Faramir sighed.


	4. Opposites

**Opposites**

Eomer felt like he was being overlooked, so he decided to speak only in opposites to get attention.

"Goodbye!" he announced, striding into the Golden Hall. "What a gorgeous, sunny day!"

Everyone ignored him, as it was raining buckets outside.

"Eomer, Uncle's pet snake is leering at me again," complained Eowyn.

"How wonderful!" said Eomer. "I think he's absolutely gorgeous!"

Grima's pale face turned a somewhat darker shade of off-white. He crept off to write about the whole thing in his diary.

"Hello!" Eomer declared as he backed away from his sister. Nobody was giving him any strange looks, so he made a new opposite announcement: "I'm not wearing any pants!"

There was a grand total of seven disappointed women and three very disappointed men in the Golden Hall that day.


	5. Beefcake

**Beefcake**

Gollum also felt sexy. It was the reason why he never wore a shirt. He tried to get into various issues of _Rohirrim Gone Wild, PlayElf_ , and even _Sexy Dwarves Weekly_ , but no one would take him seriously.

"Wicked magazine companies!" Gollum hissed, gazing at himself in a pool of water. "Cursse them! We _are_ sexy!"

"Of course we are, precious," said Smeagol. "We'll show those nassty editors!"

And the very next day he stumbled upon a page in a Shire newspaper that advertised something called Beefcakes Daily.

"Surely _they'll_ appreciate our hot physique, precious!"

Unbeknownst to Gollum, Beefcakes Daily was actually a shop owned by a hobbit named Bundo Bracegirdle that specialized in beef patties, not muscular men. Mr. Bracegirdle received Gollum's photos and decided to use them as a marketing campaign to get hobbits to eat more beef.

The local parent-teacher union used the exact same photos to keep kids in the Shire off drugs.


	6. Wings

**Wings**

Boromir was confused.

He clearly remembered Gandalf saying "Fly, you fools," but nobody had tried to do so.

So Boromir spent several days building himself a pair of wings from twigs and feathers. His only problem was finding an appropriate place to try them.

Until he tried leaping off the Falls of Rauros with his makeshift wings attached to his arms. And broke his horn into two in the process.

Along with every bone in his body.

"Ouch."


	7. Gifts

**Gifts**

Gimli loved Galadriel. Galadriel did not love Gimli.

Gimli was unaware that the three golden hairs plucked from Galadriel's head actually belonged to Celeborn.

Celeborn was aware. He kept wondering why Gimli never wrote to him.

"Next time I allow my wife to hand out my golden hairs, I'll make sure they go to someone who will appreciate them!" Celeborn declared.

And he spent the next few weeks moping around the woods, wondering why Thranduil never wrote back to him.


	8. Ponies

**Ponies**

When Eowyn was a little girl, people who didn't know any better would give her My Little Pony and horseback-riding Barbie toys for her birthday. Eowyn would always shove the toys in a corner and play with her brother's toy soldiers instead.

Years later, she went rummaging in her brother's closet and discovered a box at the very back labeled "Secret Stash."

"Oh boy, Eomer's going to be in _so_ much trouble!" said Eowyn.

She opened up the box, expecting to find weed. Instead she found a bunch of My Little Ponies and Barbie dolls on horseback. Eomer had secretly been hoarding them for years.

"So _that's_ where all my old toys disappeared to," said Eowyn.

"I only took them as a joke!" Eomer said defensively when his sister confronted him about it. "I never actually _played_ with them or anything!"

But as soon as he was all alone in his room, Eomer opened up his secret stash and spent an hour happily playing with My Little Pony.


	9. Eyebrows

**Eyebrows**

Grima was incredibly lonely.

He missed his eyebrows.

Every morning he woke up hoping to find two patches of hair above his eyes, but his forehead remained depressingly smooth. It left a deep, yearning void within his tortured soul.

"Oh, eyebrows," he wept piteously every day. "Where art thou?"

"Maybe you would have them if you quit shaving your forehead every day," Eomer pointed out.

Grima realized that Eomer had a point.

He then threw him into prison for being such a smartass.


	10. Club

**Club**

Haldir, Glorfindel, and Tom Bombadil decided to form a club. They called it the Book Purist's Club and took great offense whenever anyone mentioned a particular movie trilogy directed by a man sometimes known as "P.J."

"But at least _you_ were represented," Glorfindel pointed out to Haldir.

"And was killed off unfairly," Haldir haughtily informed him. "Better to have no screen time at all then be mercilessly slaughtered for no good reason!"

Tom Bombadil skipped about in his yellow boots. "Hey derry delfie! I agree with both the elfies!"

"Must you always do that?" asked Haldir.

"Hey dol! Merry dol! Do what a-dillo?"

"That singing of yours," Glorfindel said through gritted teeth.

Tom pranced about. "Ring a ling ding-o! Of course I must sing-o!"

"Well now I know why the Great and Terrible P.J. cut _you_ out," muttered Haldir.

"Ding a lolly ring-ring! How long is this meeting?" sang Tom. "The hour is late and Goldberry is waiting."

"Waiting for you to seek professional help, I bet," said Glorfindel.

And from that day forward, Glorfindel and Haldir banded together and declared themselves the Anti-Bombadil Club.


End file.
